[Sidenote: I didn’t realize how much I was holding onto. This post is a lot longer and more personal than my ones before, but I guess it’s good for me to think about this subject and my personal experience with it]
Growing up as the first born child of an immigrant family, expectations for me to succeed and flourish in my studies was high. I was told at a very young age to go to university; to study hard, get good grades, and get into university to get a good job, etc. etc. I was told to not be like my cousins here in Canada who didn’t continue after high school (even though one of them went through a college diploma, I guess that didn’t count).
I could feel how proud my family was whenever I got good grades, got onto honor roll during high school and when I got accepted to multiple universities. I was smart, I tried hard and studied well. I was to make sure I didn’t take advantage of what my parents went through – leaving their homes and families in the Philippines to come here to Canada
Have a good life by studying hard, getting good grades, getting into a good school and getting a good job. Honestly, who hasn’t had this ingrained in their minds by their parents or by society?
– High School –
Throughout most of my high school years, these expectations didn’t bother me. They were at the back of my mind, yes, but the pressure of these expectations didn’t occur until my final year.
Looking back, that year was the year I started to lose myself. I suddenly felt the pressure to meet the high expectations placed on me (by my family, by my friends, by teachers) and I faltered under the weight of them:
- I began to struggle to study for the subjects I valued most
- I no longer knew what I was good at and what I what I wanted to do
- I started to question what I wanted to do in university even though I knew I wanted to be in science. [I looked at other programs, looking at engineering, architecture and even visual arts. I started to confuse myself to the point where I started to stress so much it affected my studies]
- The science subjects (biology, chemistry, and physics) that I loved so dearly were proving much more difficult to grasp and I didn’t want to admit it
- I didn’t want it to look like I couldn’t handle the subjects I was supposedly considered smart in
That year I got into 4/5 of the schools I applied to.
That year, I got my first 70%, and I didn’t just get that grade in one subject… but in three.
That year I got my first 50% in a course and I had to go to summer school to keep my acceptance to UW. I didn’t tell my family that I was taking summer school because my grade was below the required for that course; I told them I just wanted my average to be higher.
That year was the first year I didn’t receive honor roll; I didn’t tell my family. I had lost the scholarship I had with my acceptance but still was able to attend the school since I had the overall average.
I didn’t want to disappoint them, even though deep down I knew they’d say that it’s okay and that they understood that school was hard. Yet I still kept these secrets from them.
The year that mattered the most for university proved to be the most challenging, and one of the most stressful moments in my life. Now, of course, there were some upsides to that year, I grew closer to my friends, I got involved, but I want to stay on course with this subject matter even if it is negative.
– University –
In university, I struggled so hard in my studies and still continue to struggle. I told them (I told my mom specifically), but I didn’t tell them the extent of my struggles, just that I failed my calculus course (once in my first term, and again in my second term). My mom understood, she knew that math was not my strongest subject since elementary school and she knew that calculus could be a hard subject in general.
- I didn’t tell her I had failed two other courses in my first semester and was forced to move from honours biochemistry to honours science and lose my co-op as well. I didn’t tell her I failed another course in my second term (along with calc.)
- It wasn’t until my second year I told her I was no longer interested in biochemistry and moved to a general program (it was true that I was no longer interested in biochemistry, but I used this to cover the truth as to program switch)
At this point, I realized that I’ve been keeping my failures a secret from not only my family but from my friends too. I told no one of what was happening to me.
Again, I don’t want to disappoint them.
There’s a painted image of me, doing well in my studies, studying hard, getting good grades, being okay. In reality: I’m shit at my studies. I’m studying hard but I can never bring up the information I learned properly or fast enough to do well on tests and exams. I’ve failed 8 courses in total if I fail two more I’d be on academic probation for a year. Due to my terrible grades, I’ve been forced to move programs twice:
Biochemistry co-op –> Honours science –> General science (3-year program)
I keep telling myself to keep my failures a secret to not disappoint everyone.
Don’t let the perfect image get tainted
Just to succeed by graduating and getting a degree
Just don’t tell them and everything will look okay
I know it’s a terrible thought process and it’s terrible for one’s mental health. I know this, yet I continue to do this. I know there are others who can relate; having their family and friends have such high expectations for them to succeed and be okay and put-together in their life. All we want to do is to make those we love to feel proud of us and for our accomplishments.
I know my family would understand how much I’ve struggled the past four years of undergrad studies. I know they’d still be proud of how far I’ve gotten in my life. I KNOW.
How does one overcome these pressures and expectations to succeed?
Noemi’s Corner 